Pray to Mary, My Mother

Dear Mary, My Mother,

I need you to be my mother.  I have a good earthly mother, but she is not my Catholic mother.  I was denied that holy upbringing, and though my earthly mother reared me well, she did not rear me Catholic.  I mourn the loss of my Catholic upbringing, so here I am deep into adulthood only a baby in the arms of Holy Mother Church.

Mary, as my Mother, I need you to:

Feed me because I am hungry. (I am hungry for Truth and Wisdom)
Clothe me because I am naked. (As a mother chooses clothing for her children, Mother choose mine)
Change me because I am filthy. (As a mother changes a soiled diaper, may Mother clean me of soiling in my life)
Hold me because I need comfort. (I am distressed and lonely, like a lost and confused little child looking for her mother in a crowd)
Rock me because I need rest. (Like infants, in this distressing and distracting world I can have difficulty finding rest and I need to learn how to rest, like a mother teaches her infant to soothe)
Teach me because I am ignorant. (Like a mother trains up her children in the way they should go.)
Discipline me because I am unruly. (Like a mother disciplines a naughty child to show them the right way)
Correct me because I am wrong (Like a mother corrects a mistaken or misunderstanding child)
Keep me safe because I am in danger (Like a mother makes sure her child is safe wherever they go)
Bring me to your Son. (As a Catholic mother brings her children before Our Lord)

Pull my hand from the fire.
Close my mouth to false and foul words.
Shield me from the vile and wicked.
Cultivate my conscience.
Keep me from consuming poison and junk.
Tuck me safely within your mantle.

And be my Mother, my Catholic Mother as I have not had one. 

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.  Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death.

Amen

In the name of the  Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit

Amen.

 

Wisdom in Traditional Practices

 

Tradition and traditionalism have become "bad words."  They are now often linked with misogyny, abuses, legalism, and even white supremacy.  Unfortunately, there is plenty of evidence to show those links are not unfounded, nor those accusations false.  However, among the chaos of these issues and crimes there is still wisdom to be found in tradition, as well as a growing group of people who yearn for tradition, but keep their distance from traditionalism.

What's the difference?

Tradition is the cultivated culture.  It's discerning the good and wise out of the old ways and old practices.

Traditionalism is a cult-like observance of most or all of the perceived old ways and old practices regardless of wisdom and discernment.  

For example, Tradition might appreciate and follow the beauty and comfort of a mother staying at home with her young children.  There is wisdom, peace, and practicality behind that practice.  Traditionalism would strictly enforcement mothers staying home, even the point of daughters staying home and women, in general, not receiving a quality education or career opportunities because "they're just staying at home, anyway."

Within the tradition-appreciation camp is a spectrum.  Everyone has their own preferences and abilities.  There are beautiful, large families that can fairly easily afford to maintain a certain traditional aesthetic and practice that perhaps another family cannot.  Perhaps mother is naturally and financially equipped to provide a quality Catholic education at home to her children, and the children are naturally academic and receptive.  However, another family might struggle to do similar, or be completely unable to.  

Personally, I have always been drawn to tradition, to orthodoxy, to the old ways, however, I often find myself in traditionalist legalism camps to my detriment.  It can be so easy to fall into radicalism and feel terribly lonely and out of place in the world.  It is so easy to struggle with wishing not only your life, but the culture at large, to adhere to your aesthetic.  

After bouncing around fundamentalism, traditionalism, and then pendulum swinging out of them, I decided to really think and consider all these facets.  There is wisdom and beauty in tradition and in orthodoxy.  I do believe they are worth preserving and observing.   But, I simply cannot fall into perfect practice of some long-ago, rose-colored aesthetic. 

It needs to be more than just forced aesthetic, too.  Ultimately, a belief in tradition and orthodoxy is a belief that God established these practices because of the wisdom behind them and the glory it brings Him and the peace and security it ought to bring us.  

St. Ignatius of Loyola gives us rather simple example of testing the spirit behind things.  Does it bring consolation, or does it bring desolation?  

That's not to say that any time something causes us stress it is not of God.  Obedience, humility, meekness, humbleness, etc can all cause stress and discomfort in our lives.  But, we have to dig deeper than that.  We have to get to the spirit of it and see where our conscience, our souls are in these matters.

Here's an example from my own life:

I'm on Twitter and I can spend a rather large amount of time scrolling, commenting, and getting into arguments.  However, it's a way to brain-dump and entertain myself.  I get some weird rush out of it.  But, ultimately, desolation.  I often walk away frustrated, or my brain fills up with MORE stuff.  The fruitless arguments might keep me up all night trying to come up with the perfect response in under so many characters.  

On the other side there's prayer, particularly the Rosary and Novenas.  As easy as it is to Tweet is as hard as it is for me to pray.  Why is 15 to 20 minutes of the Rosary hard when hours on Twitter are so easy?  But, how does my spirit respond?  Consolation or desolation?  I think we all know the answer.  I am consoled.

Therefore, as I discern my yearning for tradition and orthodoxy, but also understand my past history with legalism and extremism in the matter, I am now better equipped to discern tradition from traditionalism.  I can listen to homilies and podcasts from more traditional Catholics and be able to "eat the meat and spit out the bones" so to speak, rather than worrying that it HAS to be this way.

I can also pray in earnest for certain things, like I would really like to be able to be an at-home mom again.  I can clearly see how my children need me and how detrimental it is to them that I am gone to work.  However, I can also figure out how to manage better while still having to work.  

When it comes to tradition, my mind keeps returning to Mary.  I feel like she must be my guide in this.  Is she not the Seat of Wisdom?

Catholic Civility and Extremism

 

Catholic civility stems from the virtues.  It is not empty like the social constructs of Emily Post.  But, as I research Catholic civility (which is steeped in traditionalism), I see a lot of parallels with the legalistic extremism of evangelical fundamentalism and even white nationalism.  

This is such a difficult topic because there is a lot of wisdom and sound reason behind traditional Catholic civility.  On top of that, there's Marian apparition warnings and commands, and centuries of Saints passing along their tomes.  However, today, so much of it can seem foreign, or become legalistic, and exclusionary.  Some of it can feel like an impossibility!  

Did Mary not say that there would be such a falling away?  I'm sure Catholic civility followed more of the social norms 70 to 100 years ago and it was easier.  Today, that level of traditionalism, particularly in dress and the ordering of the home, is so foreign that it creates dissonance to such a level that it can backfire.  It doesn't create goodwill and trust among others outside the church.  It builds hate and resentment, "othering."  Children feel weird and unable to socialize with children outside their immediate traditional circle, which, these days, can be just the immediate family.  

How do we do it?  How do we obey, how do we instill Catholic civility in a society and culture so opposed to it?  How do we live in a way that expresses our faith beautifully, to the Glory of God, and as a good witness without being so foreign that we don't do society any good and end up isolating ourselves or our children?  

I certainly need to do far more research on this.  I'm too close to the faults, errors, and horrors of evangelical fundamentalism and the huge mess that is to see Catholic Civility clearly enough.  I'd appreciate any thoughts.

Obeying Mother as She Obeyed

 

I had a lightbulb moment yesterday as I was contemplating approved Marian apparitions and what Our Lady told us to do, particularly pray the Rosary daily.  I thought about the struggle to obey her, and my thoughts drifted to my own children struggling to obey.  I mean, they tend to obey direct commands of immediate authority, they sort of obey indirect commands such as the tasks they ought to do on the daily.  I thought, "think of how much I could do for them if they only obeyed me!"  

Light bulb! 

Because we think of Mary as perfect and full of grace, in Heaven, and with that kind of authority, we think of her as not needing us to be perfect.  Obviously we can't be, but we think, "surely she doesn't NEED us to pray the Rosary daily!  She can do her work without us doing what she's asked all the time!"  There's truth in that.  I can function and parent my kids ok without them doing what I've asked or commanded all the time.  But, anyone who's a parent can tell you it is harder.  It creates more work for us as parents.  It breaks bonds of trust between parent and child, it can create the temptation of resentment, it can cause laziness and sloth in the children to the point where it is hard to even do anything for them because you become overwhelmed or the reception of the help isn't received.

Do you see where I am going with this?  

But, if my children strove to obey and improve themselves as obedient, honoring children, it would fill me up so much!  It would help me so much.  Just think of all I could do, or even desire to do with them and for them!  

Here's an example.  My kids would love to go on a small vacation.  I have the opportunity to work some extra hours that could make that possible.  However, I cannot take on the extra hours because of all I have to do at home.  I've told my children that if they pick up the slack at home, if they are more careful with snacks, if they stop insisting on bottled water (our tap water is fine), I could work the extra hours and save money at the grocery store in order for us to achieve that vacation.  They've refused, so no vacation.  I can't give that blessing to children who refuse to receive it through their choices not to obey.  

Mary has promised us much, but we need to put in the work (The Rosary, ordered Catholic living).  Think of how much she could do if we only just obeyed!  She's not asking us to destroy ourselves.  She's asking us to pick up our toys, so to speak, and to behave as we ought to, things we should be doing, anyway.  She's asking us to maintain a relationship rather than just expecting to take from our relationship with Christ and Holy Mother Church.  

I am seeking Mother.  I am asking Her what she wants me to do not only because I realize I ought to out of love and rightfulness, but I would hope this would set an example and trickle down to my own children.  In my fatigue and confusion as I left the Evangelical faith, things have rather fallen to pieces here, but I cannot expect my children to do that which I haven't been doing.  

An Unfortunate Theme

 

Woman Healed from Demon

Please note that these are just my thoughts and observations.  This is me mulling it all over in my head, not making accusations or diagnoses.  

Within my social media circles are a rather large number of Christian women who have a rather different interpretation of Christianity than I understand it.  I listened to them for a while because, as with many things, there's a level of truth within the new expressions of faith.  They rightfully called out dangerous cultural teachings that have subjugated women and children, causing rampant abuses, especially within the Evangelical church.  However, as with many reactions, they are opposite, but equal....therefore, going as far off the opposite way into another form of extremism.

As I wove my way through these camps, debating, observing, listening to their stories, I started to notice themes that alarmed me, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.  The possible ah-ha moment occurred when the latest trend of denying Evil and demonic influences in favor of the term "mental illness" started flying about the platforms.

Now, don't get me wrong.  There is definitely a difference between having a mental illness and being demonically influenced, oppressed, or possessed.  Mental illnesses are real -- But so is the demonic.  

Now, I'm not saying 100% that these themes mean absolute correlation, but it does get me to go, "hmmm."  You see, allowing the opposite of God's design, seeking spirituality contrary to God's Will and Way opens us up to terrible things such as the demonic and hardness of heart.  We become blind.  There's the True Christ Jesus, and then there's the Jesus of our own making.  Which are we worshiping?

Themes:

They are pro-choice, often under the idea that they are being charitable towards women while denying the personhood of the unborn baby.

They are pro-LGBTQ+.  Indeed, we should not treat anyone badly, but they believe that God intended for people to live along that spectrum.

They express some level of disgust or disinterest in men and children.

They deny the God-created biology of reproduction.

They deny the God-created order of sex being within marriage and open to life.  

They practice spirituality outside of traditional Christianity, such as Yoga and Karma.

They have some level of disdain for the traditions of Christendom and society.

They believe in animal eternity (Rainbow Bridge) or deny the existence of Hell.

They refute the traditional scholarly interpretation of Scripture that's 2000 years old in favor of modern interpretations that, surprise surprise, fits their narrative.

They have humanistic tendencies (because I feel they are right and I want to do it, it must be morally right).  

And here are the two clinchers:

They deny the existence of the demonic and Evil.

They claim they have chronic mental illness.

It is quite possible that they've opened themselves up demonic influence with so much compromise and find themselves tormented by Evil influences.  They get caught up in a cycle of mental illness and trying to find their own truth that brings them community, comfort, and a sense of moral superiority.  They'll refuse to believe God's command to be chaste in favor of their moral superiority stance of saying people shouldn't judge those who sleep around and abort their babies.

What does that do to a soul?!  Where is real peace?

Our Lady of Good Success, pray for us.

Watch Your Mouth!

 

In the effort to gently sway my family to watch their language I have started to ask them to "please watch your mouth."  In response, they stick their lips out, cross their eyes, and repeat the foul language in a muddled way, then laugh and say they were "watching their mouth."  While they make a joke of it, I think they are starting to "get it," already.  

A good sign is that they are holding me accountable.  The other day, something annoyed me in the cupboard.  Something was in the way and I had to climb on a stool to sort it out.  I muttered an alteration of a swear word, an Old English pronunciation of a certain more mild swear word, and my daughter heard.  She called me out on it, and she was exactly right.  Since then I've been catching myself.  It's become such a habit of conversation and a self-entitled expression of anger that it slips out so easily. 

While it would take a miracle of conversion to eliminate foul language from my home (and ultimately foul thought and foul spirits because out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks) anything reduction is an improvement.  Any move towards God and the goodness of right living is positive.  All I can do is pray, gently correct, and lead by example...and allow for correction, to repent, apologize, acknowledge my own wrong-doing, and express my intentions and goals in the matter.

Cleaning House

It is very common for people who experience a conversion to suddenly and even maniacally remove items of their former selves from their homes and lives.  Some of it is needed and perhaps prompted by the Holy Spirit, but a lot of times it is an emotion-fueled act hoping to hold onto that "religious high."  It's similar to how the dopamine rush of a new romantic relationship has you fixated on the relationship, the person, and that good feeling.  I did some of this the first time I was serious about Catholicism.  

As that dopamine rush, that "honeymoon phase" started to wear off, I tried doing more to gain that feeling back.

This time is different.  I don't have that "religious high."  I'm not trying to outwardly manifest a Catholic experience.  Now, I have this desire for obedience, order, beauty, peace, joy, and righteousness in my life.

And while some of the "stuff" I'm cleaning out isn't necessarily "bad," it isn't cultivating that deep and continued focus on the Holy that I want.  

I think part of it is because there is a tremendous imbalance of worldliness in my home that I feel a desire to  counterbalance it with goodness in my life.  

For example, I was following a model on Instagram.  She's super cute and fun, beautiful, and just had a baby, which is always a good thing.  There is nothing wrong with following her on Instagram.  She doesn't post anything I would call sinful or inappropriate.  Her posts are candy.  It's fluff and fun, which is her intention.  It's not edifying.  It doesn't nourish me.  I unfollowed her not in judgement of her, but in what I need for myself right now in my Holy Walk.  

I'm also weeding out my former evangelical and ex-evangelical follows and groups.  They served me for a time, but I'm finding those camps more and more troublesome.  I'm Catholic, now.  I need to set up my tent in the Catholic camp.  Catholicism has all that I need in support, counseling, and education.  I don't need to continue sifting through the wheat and the chaff in these former camps.  

I want a life ordered to Jesus.  I want a liturgical life, a right-minded life.  (And I hope my outward life begins to reflect the desires of my inward life.  My actual house could do with a good cleaning and ordering.)
 

Fight Impurity with The Holy Virgin

 

Mother most Pure.

Mother most Chaste.

Virgin most Prudent.

Comforter of the Afflicted.

Queen of Families.

Queen of Peace.

There is a lot of impurity in my home.  The utmost thing I need to do is repent of it in Confession, but it may be a while before I'm scheduled for my General Confession.  

In the meantime, I'm fighting impurity with purity.  Quietly.

I know my family isn't going to listen to me scolding them for their impurities, especially since I contributed to it with my own sins and my own allowance and participation in it.  About all I can do is ask them to watch their mouths.  That much is tolerated without causing an unproductive fight.  I can also admit my wrongness in this area and ask forgiveness.  

Those impure darts are going to fly, and it'll probably get worse before it gets better.  The Enemy isn't going to like all the Hail, Marys I'm going to pray, and with 5 against 1, he'll try to outnumber me.  One f-bomb is easier and quicker to say than a Hail, Mary.  But, a Hail, Mary is FAR more powerful.

I thought about praying other prayers, especially prayers directly toward Christ (that's the old evangelical in me-you only pray to Christ), but it just seemed fitting to fight impurity, especially sexually-related impurities like the f-word with Our Holy Virgin Mary.  She'll willingly take on this battle. 

And I hope to have an amazing report in time.  And if it does get worse I'll know it's working, too.   And even if it never gets better, my prayers and faithfulness in the matter still count for something.  Maybe it's getting better in someone else's house or in their lives.  

And I know it'll help it get better in me.

Setting My Home in Order...Quietly

                                                           Mass in a Connemara Cabin
 This is quite a challenge.

How can I set my home, my life in Catholic order when I am the only Catholic and the rest of the family is not only indifferent, but opposed to Catholicism?  

This is a cross for me, the fact that my home isn't a respite, a chapel, a sanctuary, but rather a battleground.  From the things allowed to be watched and said to the lack of space to the lack of reverence to anything religious set about, it is sorrowful to even be home, sometimes.

The chaos in the home reflects the chaos of lives without Christ.  

I wish my children were younger.  I wish I found the Catholic Church years ago when they were still small.  Now, they are older and insistent upon their own ways.  And the words of mother fall flat when unsupported by father.  

But, I am reminded of The Little Flower, St. Therese of Lisieux and her Little Ways.  Every day I can do something little to move forward in my faith here at home.  I can't change my family, but I can change me.  I can change what I have control over, all the little ways and tasks left in my care.  

I can pray the Rosary.
I can fast on Fridays.
I can treat religious icons, Catholic books, and the Bible with respect and care.
I can carry my cross with dignity and joy.
I can trust in the Lord.
I can be at peace.

Quietly Catholic

 After 5 years of wandering and wondering....

After 5 years of diving headfirst, then running away....

After 5 years of prayers, research, debates, arguments, fears, and still more prayers...

I decided to Come Home to Rome.  

I came close 2 years ago.  I was in RCIA and only about a month from Easter Vigil, and I backed out and shut down.  I got scared.  Nothing felt "right."  I had no support, Covid lockdowns were making things far more difficult, and that "magical feeling" I had had was gone.

This time is different.  There isn't a "magical feeling" at all.  There's just this yearning, this knowing, this submission to obedience of conscience. 

Before, I wanted the Catholic Culture and how it made me feel.

Now, I want Jesus and I want to obey Him.  

Before, I enjoyed arguing with my evangelical family and acting the Catholic part.

Now, I'm going in quietly and letting my quiet submission, my obedience be the witness.

I'm not going to hide it, but I'm not going to rub their faces in it.  I'm not going to pick fights.  I'm not going to put on an outward show.

I just plan on serving the Lord.  Quietly.