That is a hard thing for me to admit, especially after that profound vision that I had. I thought for sure that vision would seal it in me as a belief as strong as my belief that God exists. But, I find I'm still struggling. I admit part of that struggle is in how the Church handles the Eucharist.
Before I even knew about the Novus Ordo, radical traditionalism, or even that there was such a thing as the Liturgy of the Eucharist, I had an idea of how reverent it must be to come before Christ and receive Him into our bodies. As I went to Mass for the first time, I looked forward to seeing how communion was done among people who believe and within a Church that believes that He is REALLY present. Unfortunately, I was left feeling quite empty.
Over the years I've tried to reconcile how the Eucharist is received in the Church today and the dogma of the Real Presence, but I admit it is a stumbling block. While I cannot judge those around me, for myself, it actually pains me to realize if I come fully into the Catholic Church I'd be receiving the Eucharist the usual way and not the way I'd imagined I'd receive the Eucharist.
I've been to Adoration and felt the emptiness there, too. For one thing, Adoration is the exception, not the rule where I am. If Christ is really present in the Eucharist you'd think Adoration would be more available and not the first thing to go on the list of ministries the Church offers.
As I kneel in my pew and the people pass by me on their way to receive the Eucharist, I look at them and wonder if they really do believe, because would they be so casual if they really did believe?
Other than a different form of the communion ritual, it doesn't "feel" much different than communion in my former evangelical churches. It's admittedly a little more reverent, but certainly not to the level I assumed it would be considering it's supposed to be Christ Himself in the Eucharist!
Now, I'm sure someone would say, "you can't base your beliefs and expression of faith on how others behave or you'll always be disappointed!" That's true, but it's more than that. This goes deeper.
Maybe cradle Catholics are just so used to it that they don't realize. My belief in the Real Presence has very strong and very real consequences in my life. This isn't just becoming a member of another denomination. This is making a vow before God that I cannot break, a vow that my family, both immediate and extended, are completely against.
Everything hinges on whether or not Christ is really present in the Eucharist.
And I am sorry to say that what I have seen and experienced thus far in the Catholic Church has only added to my doubts.
Honestly, how can a Church claim that Christ is really present in the Eucharist and behave thus!?
This has become more of an issue as I bring my two youngest children with me to Mass. I try to tell them that Christ is in the Eucharist but they don't experience it. It is no different to them than "snack time" at the evangelical churches. (Yes, they called it snack time.) They don't see that it is any different or more reverent because, again, if it were really Christ in the Eucharist, would we behave thus?
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