What is Forgiveness?

 

There are many people in our lives who have not apologized to us for the harm they've done towards us.  Some of them we can easily forgive.  We understand it was out of character for them, or a misunderstanding, or they were children at the time and didn't quite know better, or the incident was rather small in the grand scheme of things an had no lasting effect on us.  Sometimes, however, there are people who have hurt us deeply, or continue to hurt us.  Some may be sorry but never apologize.  Some may not be sorry at all.  Some may be hard-hearted and blind to their abuses.  Some may feel justified in being a rotten person towards others.  

It can be very difficult to forgive such a person.  I have such a person in my life who has caused me to contemplate forgiveness for many years, now.  It is easy to forgive a contrite person.  For me, it's even easy to forgive a person who did wrong in the past, never apologized, but has turned over a new leaf, or left my life and isn't a bother to me anymore.  But, it is very hard to forgive someone who continues with being a difficult and hurtful person and isn't sorry for it.  

I recently decided, thanks to learning about the Catholic teaching of offering it up, to offer up all the sufferings I endure with this person for their salvation and conversion to the Catholic Faith.  They are the kind of person who would make an awesome Saul-to-Paul conversion story (which, incidentally, is probably why the devil has such a grip on them).  I thought it would be sweet and easy to just grab those hurts hurled at me and float them up to heaven like mylar party balloons.  How I really react is quite different.

Anger, hurt, tears, resentment.  I swear under my breath.  I even flip them off behind their back.  I get so angry!  But the worst reaction I have, Lord, forgive me, is that I don't want to offer up the sufferings for their salvation because I don't necessarily want them encroaching on my faith walk, going to church with me, and I get so angry I don't want them in heaven with me.  They're always talking about how much fun hell is and how much better it'll be to go there than heaven, so I sometimes just want to say, "fine, go there, then, and leave me at peace in Heaven!"

That is not what God wants of me.  Imagine if Christ thought that way on the cross.  "I'm dying for you and you want Barabbas?!  Fine!  Have him!  I'll take the few remaining faithful and go."  No.  He wants all of us to come Home to Him, no matter how horribly we've treated him.  He wants this person in Heaven and if I have to suffer for them to get there, that's what I've been called to do.  

So, what is forgiveness in all of this?  Forgiveness is wanting them to be in Heaven with you, to spend eternity with them, should they accept the Lord's invitation.  

Even now as I type this I struggle with the idea.  Perfect contrition is so difficult to achieve, it seems.  Perfect forgiveness, too.  Lord, help me and have mercy.