Considering My Ways

 

This morning, after another busy, stressful day yesterday, and after another terrible night's sleep last night, I woke up later than I intended, still tired, feeling a little sick, with another hugely busy, stressful day ahead of me.  

As I trudged to the bathroom I felt a heaviness on my heart that I'm often too busy to pray and devote myself to the Lord.  And when I do have some time, I'm often too tired.  If I start to pray, my mind wanders in every direction because of the mental load and fatigue, or a fall asleep.  

The saying, "we prioritize what is truly important to us," came into my mind, and my reply was, "I WANT to prioritize my Christian walk, but I can't as well as I'd like because the world makes me prioritize work, the kids' schooling, paying bills, keeping the house clean, etc."  The world has so many demands that I can't ignore because it's ILLEGAL.  I'll get in trouble if I don't get a vehicle registered and insured.  I'll get in trouble if I don't pay my taxes or educate my children.  I'll lose my job if I'm lax is going to work.  My family will suffer if the house is filthy and healthy foods aren't made.  Surely, God understands.

He does understand, and yet there's that twinge in my conscience.

When I wanted to just scroll my phone mindlessly, I grabbed my Douay Bible, instead and randomly opened it to Aggeus (this particular Bible is over 100 years old, so modern or Protestant Bibles would have Haggai).  In Chapter 1 the Lord says, "And now thus saith the Lord of hosts:  Set your hearths to consider your ways.  You have sowed much, and brought in little:  you have eaten, but have not had enough:  you have drunk, but have not been filled with drink:  you have clothe yourselves, but have not been warmed:  and he that hath earned wages , put them into a bag with holes....Set your hearths upon your ways."

The Lord goes on to tell them to go back to rebuilding the temple.  Finish what they started.  

In the historical notes in the preface to the Prophecy of Aggeus, it says that the temple was being rebuilt, but construction was stopped due to pressure from the Samaritans.  

This is one of those parallels in my life that is so blatantly obvious.  I love clear private revelations.  

Everything is exactly how I feel!  

You have sowed much, and brought in little.  I always feel like I work very VERY hard for what little gain I actually receive.  Even in my own gardens I feel like all the work comes back weeds and rocks and not a fruitful harvest, but this extends to every area of my life.

You have eaten, but have not had enough.  This is true.  I am so busy that oftentimes I just grab and go, or I eat quickly.  I'm eating, but I'm not feeling fulfilled.  There are even times I eat dinner, but not in gratitude and good health.  I eat it with the bitter disappointment that I have to clean it all up and I'm just so tired.  

You have drunk, but you have not been filled with drink.  I thirst for the Lord.  I thirst for so many good things.  I can grab sips here and there, but really, it gets away from me so quickly.  I feel like my walk with the Lord and a good, ordered life is like the bottle of water I set on the counter.  I intend to drink the whole thing, but find I'm too busy and only grab sips upon passing, only to see by the end of the night there's still half a bottle left and I haven't been properly hydrated.

You have clothed yourself, but you have not been warmed.  It does feel like I'm not protected.  It does feel like I'm open to oppression and chastisement.  It's like when I'm dressed in warm pajamas in my heated home and tucked under a thick comforter and I shiver and can't sleep because it feels like the cold is coming from within, like my bones are ice.  

And he that hath earned wages, put them into a bag with holes.  This is a big one.  I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why, despite working so hard, my husband and I always seem to struggle with money.  We live frugally, but there always seems to be problems, emergencies, expenses.   Put it this way:  My brother-in-law makes pretty much the same yearly wage as my husband, yet my sister can afford to stay home.  They have a nicer home, newer vehicles, a camper, and can afford vacations and camping trips.  We just seem to work to pay down debts and cover bills and expenses that never seem resolved.  I really does feel like we just put our wages into bags with holes.

The Lord goes on to say in Aggeus:  You have looked for more, and behold it became less, and you brought it home and I blowed it away:  why, saith the Lord of hosts?  because my house is desolate and you make haste every man to his own house.  Therefore the heavens over you were stayed from giving dew, and the earth was hindered from yielding her fruits:  And I called for a drought upon the land, and upon the mountains, and upon the corn, and upon the wine, and upon the oil, and upon all that the ground bringeth forth, and upon men, and upon beasts, and upon all the labour of the hands.

This is EXACTLY what it feels like in my life right now.  The more I seek, the less I find, it seems.  The Bible says that a good Father would not give His son a stone when he asks for bread, but I say that it feels like God not only gives me a stone, but throws it through my window!  

But why?  Why this chastisement?  Is it me?  Is it my husband?  Is it both of us?  As I type this out and examine myself, I feel a heaviness and sadness upon my own heart, but also a feeling of hopefulness and joy because I know the Lord is calling me out.  He is using this to bring me to Him.  I can't control my husband, and to some extent, my children.  But I can do something about me and my walk with the Lord.

A part of me doesn't understand.  After all, I'm the one who wants to follow the Lord.  I'm the one who goes to Mass, reads the Bible, listens to Catholic podcasts, prays, puts up iconography, tries, and yet I feel like I'm targeted and it brings me to how I felt while I was in the Assembly of God church, that it was "never enough."  But even as I type this, I feel bitterness in my heart.  That joy and hopefulness of the previous paragraph are gone.  That's a good clue as to what is of the Lord and what is not.

It isn't about all the things I do in the walk with Christ.  God knows.  He sees all that, just as He saw that they were trying to rebuild the temple and fear got in the way.  God is pulling me through and beyond all that.  He's calling me to take steps forward in faith.  It's not enough to stand on the foundation of an unfinished temple.  It's time to build again.  

Philippians 1:6  Being confident of this very thing, that he who hath begun a good work in you, will perfect it unto the day of Christ Jesus.

I feel like the Lord is telling me that I've been trying, like the foolish man, to build my way upon sand, and that's why it keeps washing away.  It's like I'm trying to build something myself and then I can invite the Lord in.  Instead, I need to build upon the Rock.  The Lord is the architect, not me.  He provides the plans,  the tools, and helps me grow in the skills.  His Church are fellow laborers.