An Update

 

The First Communion by Elizabeth Nourse

If, by any chance, anyone is reading this blog from the beginning, they will notice a large gap from 2022 to 2025.  During that time I have indeed entered Holy Mother Church.  On November 30th, 2022, I had my general confession.  On December 1, 2022, my husband and I had our marriage convalidated and I received Holy Communion for the first time.  May 2023 was my Confirmation.

Reflecting back on those events, I still puzzle at the different emotions I had.  I remember celebrating my Catholic marriage and first communion with a huge smile on my face.  I was so happy!

When I was confirmed, I felt so much sorrow and felt so alone, even though I had my sponsor beside me.  Afterwards, I was welcomed and congratulated by many.  I had my photo with the Bishop, but as the crowds dispersed and it was time for me to leave, I sat in my truck and sobbed so long and so hard I couldn't drive away.  I couldn't see through my tears.  I felt so incredibly alone.

Everyone drove off with their families.
My priest walked to the Rectory with other priests.
Everyone had someone with them.
And I was alone.

When I arrived home, there was no party.  No well-wishes.  No congratulations.  Just a pile of chores waiting for me and a pounding headache behind my sore eyes.

This was not how I pictured my final sacrament into Holy Mother Church.

I can say that since then I have had beautiful times of happiness and celebration, and times of deep sorrow, tears, and loss.  But, my confirmation still stands out in my heart.  I can't quite explain why I felt such a heavy weight of loneliness and sorrow when I should have been filled with such joy.

Perhaps some day that soul-aching sorrow I felt will be more clear to me.

St. Faustina's Diary: Episode 1, The Cell of My Heart

 

Divine Mercy in My Soul

Diary of Saint Maria Faustina Kowalska

Notebook 1 Section 16

"It was during the octave of Corpus Christi [June 25, 1925].  God filled my soul with the interior light of a deeper knowledge of Him as Supreme Goodness and Supreme Beauty.  I came to know how very much God loves me.  Enteral is His love for me.  It was at vespers - in simple words, which flowed from the heart, I made to God a vow of perpetual chastity.  From that moment I felt a greater intimacy with God, my Spouse.  From that moment I set up a little cell in my heart where I always kept company with Jesus."
(Emphasis mine)

Sometimes my mind is so full with all the things I must know and remember as a wife, mother, and whatever choices, needs, and obligations fill my life, that my interior life, my relationship with Christ Jesus and all that He gives us through Holy Mother Church gets pushed out.  Ironically, when the Spiritual is pushed out and everything else crowds in, that fullness feels more like emptiness.

I love the imagery of a little cell in my heart for Jesus and me.  I picture an austere, but clean little room, warmed by the sun coming through the diamond-paned windows.  There sitting in an antique chair My Savior.  There is only one chair, and He occupies it.  My place is to serve Him or sit at His feet on the stone floor worn smooth by years of the feet of the righteous before me.  In the corner is a small cot where He lays me to rest when I am troubled while He keeps vigil over me until I come to my senses.

Here, it is quiet.  The thick walls of the cell and heavy oak door keep out the noise of the world.  Here, I can be honest and open and love Him freely.

My house is noisy.  My mind is noisy.  Even my Church is noisy.
I miss having Adoration in the sanctuary itself.  It is such a large room that I can feel quite alone with Christ even though others are present.  It is much harder to be intimate with My Savior when others are so near you can hear them breathing, and it feels like our prayers and worship bounce off each other as they scramble to the monstrance.

But, no one can penetrate the cell of my heart except God, Himself.  If I set it up, I can retreat there whenever needed.